there was a time, when i was young

i thought i had my whole life under control.

i thought i made the right decisions, i thought i could foresee my future, and everything would play out as i planned.

but as i grew older, i started to realize, life isnt always what i feel at the moment.

when i was young, i fell in love too quickly, too easily.

i always thought that this was the one, this will be my last.

but they always never did last.

maybe, the love was sincerely there at that moment. that first few months, that first year.

but after that life started to catch up. no longer living in the bubble, i realized life had different plans for everybody. and not everybody’s plans could match up.

once, twice, thrice…

now here i am.

its been several months since my last relationship. i really thought this was the last. and it did last for awhile.

but now, im here.

i realized, its not life. its me.

im too rash in making decisions. i fell in love too quickly. if id waited a little while longer, i might realize, its not love. its just the heat of the moment.

its been a few months. and now im scared.

i dont know what decisions i should make anymore. i dont know life’s future plans for me. and i dont want another relationship falling through. i really really wanted the next one to be the last one.

and i know, that I, now, am broken.

i dont know how to love anymore. i dont know how i should treat my other half. i dont know if this is right, or that is right. id be very hesitant and i dont know what i should do.

im so lost.

i think, my past is finally catching up with me. its haunting me now. and haunting all my decisions. i scared that id really miss the one that truly cherishes me. but im scared id lose it all and become strangers again.

if i had a say in life, i really hope, that id meet him later in my life. later, when ive made peace with myself, when ive learnt to be more mature, when ive forgotten all the pain of the past.

the time, when i am finally ready to accept a new relationship.

the time, when i could finally love someone wholly and make it last.

the time, when i grow up.

but do we really grow up…?

when, is the right time?

this is life. life makes us wonder, whether we should wait for the right time, or make the time right ourselves.

and im at a place now, where im stuck between these two.

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